Immanuel Kant was a real pissant,
Who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar.
Who could think you under a table,
David Hume could out-consume,
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine,
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach yer,
'Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates himself was permanently pissed,
John Stuart Mill of his own free will,
Half a pint of shandy was particularly ill,
Plato they say could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day,
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
I drink therefore I am,
But it's Socrates himself that's particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.